He's right.
I don't deserve any kind of friendship. Rather than give people the choice of befriending me and inevitably ending up being hurt or betrayed, I'll make the choice myself.
This also stops anyone bothering me or Sam about the situation.
I'm sorry to everyone for wasting your time.
Jfk, you're a good guy, you always message me without fail, I never did understand why. You'd be alot better off talking to ANZ, he cares for things like overclocking and such much more than I ever could.
Toxin and grendies, I've known you both for so long, you come as a pair, when one disappears the other is always looking for him. You're both so different too, yet you make such excellent friends. I'm sorry I didn't speak to you or anyone else about this, but it's been on my mind for days now, since Sunday.
Chaela, I like you a lot, you seem to also understand what I could be going through, you and your husband are very unique and I'm very happy for you both, since both of you don't know any of my other online friends, I've decided to add you both to my new MSN addy, I ask that you do not disclose it to anyone.
Lord_Kane and TagDaze, I've known you two for a long time also, but I've only really spoken to you both in the last couple of weeks. You're both funny guys, I like you both a hell of a lot, I like everyone I've mentioned so far a hell of a lot and I'd love to meet you all, I know if I got to know Kane and Tag better that they'd make another pair of great friends, but after what I've done I can't let it happen, you two are such nice guys and even after you found out what I did you still spoke to me and made me laugh, I can't thank you both enough for that, but you're too nice to risk knowing me.
Miroku, I never got to know you as well as some others, but you were always there. I'd hoped to be able to get to know you better over time, but it just didn't happen. You seem like a real genuine person and probably one of the most mature people I know.
Nicola and Tanya, I knew you two through Dave. I got to know Nicola a little better than Tanya, but I still liked you both from the moment I spoke to you. You seem like such typical...girls...yet odd at the same time (for a girl that is). I know we didn't speak much, but I also know that if I ever needed to vent some steam or have a deep chat, you'd be there.
Nozzy...you were the first friend I ever made online....you may have messed up a few times, you have managed to piss us all off many times...but you're one of the best friends a guy could have. I'll miss you a hell of a lot.
And finally Sam and Kay...
I had to leave you both until the end because I was not sure what to say.
Sam, I know you don't care what I put here, but at least now that I'm gone from everyone who you know, you'll never have to worry about me again, nor will you have to badmouth me to everyone. You think I did everything to my own advantage, yet you could not have been more wrong, right now I'm walking away from this online life to start another, only this time I'll just be the guy who always plays the game and doesn't bother with the communities. I'm sorry that I could never prove to you how genuine I was this whole time about everything I said, about how much I regret doing what I did, about how I feel guilty for going behind your back and not saying. At the time it was all happening I didn't know what to do, neither did Kay. We didn't even know if it was love or not, it certainly felt like it at the time, but having never met, how could we be sure? We decided that instead of making you worry and get all upset, like Kay did when she found out about Nikki, we would just go with the flow and see what happened...
And then going to leeds, the car journy, if you remember we were listening to lots of Green Day songs, and the one song that kept getting stuck in both me AND Kay's head was time of your life....because it says "It's something unpredictable but in the end it's right....I hope you have the time of your life..."
There I was, sitting beside this woman, this girl whom I'd loved with all my heart and I couldn't so much as whisper it into her ear, I had to lie beside her as you smothered her with your hugs and kisses at night, do you have any idea how bad that felt? That night the guy fell on the tent, I didn't come out to help you because I was lazy or tired, I stayed inside because I was almost in tears and had I gotton out I probably would have cried and then you would find out and it would all be a big mess....
Like I said, we decided to go with the flow and things just got complicated....I'm sorry for not making the right choices, but after that first Kiss, there was no way either of us could tell you.....
And Kay...dearest Kay....I don't know any more....
Kay was once the most important person in my life, one day mid-summer I fell in love with her. I thought she was in love with me too, I believed it so blindly I thought that it was ok what I was doing, because love is so precious you can't waste it, and since we were both in love then we would be together forever so Kay and Sam didn't really matter because in the long run we would be toheter a lot longer than they would ever be....or so we thought...or maybe only I thought that...
We would spend entire days just talking to eachother, everything that happened seemed almost planned out, like it was set up, like it was..."fate"....
It had to be real....it just had to be...it felt too...right...for it not to be....
And then, as fast as it came...it was gone....
I don't know why, it just died. I get the feeling Kay never loved me at all. I felt bad because of it, because I lost out, but Sam won....or so I thought.
7 months later, 7 months of me despirately trying to hold onto something that was never going to be, 7 months of getting completely stressed out, hurt and having promises broken, Kay started going all weird. I thought it was just how she was acting towards me and me being a stupid emotional twat and still loving her, I felt even worse. Kay was different. The woman I spent my entire summer with yet still only spending a few days with her, was gone...this...other Kay...wasn't the same.
I put it down to stress, no matter what I tried I couldn't get her to pay any heed to me, I figured that come the summer when all of the exams and stuff were over things would change...again...for the better...to the way they used to be. I loved her until the bitter end, and because I was so attatched to this love I wanted to believe it was still there, I wanted to believe that things would end up ok. I wanted it more than anything else...
And then Sam and Kay broke up. Something was very very wrong. She "ditched" me for Sam, he was just better than me and I couldn't do anything about it, so why had she done this? She loved me so much (I believed) yet she loved Sam more...yet she broke up with him?
That's why I didn't tell Sam anything during those 7 months, because it would have broke them up, I loved her so much that when she asked me not to tell Sam anything, I agreed...
I did everything I could to make Sam believe nothing happened, it nearly worked too. I was an asshole to him about it, just to be that little bit more convinceing. For that, I'm sorry. But for what it's worth, I was just trying to keep a promise...
The whole time I could have told him and broken them up to ensure that we would be together....the whole time....after all, if she really loved me, she would understand...but I didn't.
Toxin, the one who stood by watching all this happen, the person we both ntrusted with our little secret even offered to blag it all to sam one day so that Kay blamed him, they broke up and I got the girl....I said no though...I don't know the full extent as to why...but I said no....
7 months on, they break up anyway...what was the problem? I had to know, but first I had to clear my conscience. Since they had broken up anyway, I figured that Sam may as well finally know the truth. I told him, and he was upset. I can understand why, the love of his life lying to him and going behind his back with another man....
Little did I know, I was about to find out the same thing not 20mins after I told Sam everything about Us. There was more than just 1 other guy, there were 2.....she lied to me this whole time as well.
All those months of suffering in silence, all that hope for a future with my own love...gone...in an instant....
The more I read the seedy emails the worse it became, just like Sam I was upset to find out it was someone twice her age....
But I was more than upset...I was.....angry...bitterly angry that this whole time I was led on by her. I felt so used, like I was "just another guy". I also felt betrayed because I thought what we had was special, Just like Sam did.
I didn't feel hurt, I just felt angry. I had lost a friend because I was used.
I had to tell Sam, he deserved to know as much as I did.
I told him where to look, I gave him the pass to her email.
Before sam said anything on his LJ, Kay phoned me. She was not happy with me.
I felt better. Alot better. This woman, who used me, who led me on, who made me lie to my friends, who stressed me out a hell of a lot and make me feel like complete shit was upset at me. Pissed to say the least. It felt justified.
The part that sticks in my head the most is when she said "There was no call for that..."....
Yeah....there was....Sam had to know the truth, that was all. I didn't expect to get any satisfaction from it, but I did. For a time. Then after the red bull, I began to decline. Along with my energy, my mood dropped and dropped. I still kept trying my best to make it up to sam but to no avail. With every little post, every little comment he made about me I felt worse and worse. And he is entitled to say it all.
But no matter what, I can't shift the guilt from my mind, I can't say how sorry I am to Sam, to everyone for lieing to you all....I can't put the past behind me, I just can't accept that I did all that for nothing...for to be used....like some...thing...rather than the person that I am.
And it is with all that that I must finally leave you all. I've moved my MSN account somewhere else, those of you who know me in real life have been added, allong with Chaela and Russel. That is all. I'm sorry for leaving like this, I'm sorry for being such a bad person, but as Sam said, I don't deserve to have friends.
There is no way to contact me, don't try to find me, you'll only regret it.
Goodbye everyone I've known for the past 2 years.
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