Why the fuck is it...

That any time I'm feeling good, I mean just when I'm feeling better, someone or something has to come and shoot it all to hell?
I mean the lads have been great, past couple of days with them has been really class and I'm gonna miss them a lot, they've really made me feel great lately.
But for fuck's sake, the whole thing between me, Sam and Kay is STILL coming back to haunt me.
Just a few mins ago, someone who I have never talked to before was added to an MSN conversation and the first thing he said was "Hey it's the guy everyone hates". And then he said that although he didn't know me, he hated me too. I never said a word! I did nothing to him! I did nothing to anyone! The ONLY person I did something to was Sam and believe me, I fucking regret that, I DID get hurt by Kay as well you know, something that all these people seem to also forget and I HAVE tried my very best to apologise for it, but fuck nobody ever mentions that part when they say about how much of a scumbag I am.

I've never done anything to deliberately hurt anyone...I fell in love with Kay, she told me she loved me too, what the fuck was I supposed to do? Just ignore it all and pretend it wasn't there? Yeah, you try falling deeply in love with someone and then pretending they don't exist, that's something else all of these people have no idea about.

And the best bit? I'M LEAVING FOR THE CENTRE OF IT ALL IN THREE FUCKING DAYS! IT'S ONLY GOING TO GET WORSE! FUCKING W00T!

I would love to be able to use this as a fresh start, to get it all behind me and move on, but how the fuck am I supposed to do that? No matter where I go, chances are someone there will know either Kay or Sam or someone that knows them, if they realise who I am, they're going to immediately hate me and anyone that knows them will immediately hate me as well, just like today.

I mean, even a couple of complete Christians can't forgive me for something I never did to them, what about the rest of the world?

This is just not funny at all.

How many times do I have to say it? Do I have to get on my knees and beg? Is that it? Do I really have to just get down and scream for the whole world to hear

"I'M SORRY, SAM! I'M REALLY FUCKING SORRY FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE!"

If that's what it takes, I'll fucking do it, if I have to throw away every last shred of dignity I have, if that's what everyone wants then so fucking be it. You can all have your pound of flesh.

3 Days