I hate everything about me, I wish I was someone else, I wish I wish I wish things could be different, I wish I could have done something, I wish I could turn back time, I wish I could help others again, I wish so much...
But then, wishes don't come true, do they? They just don't happen, no matter how hard you wish for them, it never happens at all...
Except once...
It did for me, I fell in love with a girl, a girl I thought I would never be with, a girl that made me smile just by talking to her, a girl that had problems with guys, a girl that had a son, a girl that was way out of my league....
I wished I could be with her, I wished very very hard, for a long time I felt sick with "love", I didn't want those feelings, I didn't want to feel so strongly toward someone so far away, so unreachable, so...unobtainable...
But I got her...somehow...
One day in September, she confessed she had feelings for me..
I was on a high, I was so happy, my dream had come true, my wish had been answered, I didn't need anything else, only her...
But it became too much, things started going wrong almost from the beginning, people wouldn't accept our relationship, even my closest friends just shot me down from my high and told me all sorts of things I didn't want to hear, things I couldn't stand to hear, as they tried to crush my heart, I could only find comfort in hers, her love filled me with Joy even at the worst of times...
But then the "worst of times" began to occur more frequently, bad things started happening to me in real life, mostly due to that bitchqueenfromhell, but I could always walk away from it all to a land where she would be waiting there for me, where I would soon feel good again, and most of the time I did. But it became evident that I had nothing else to make me feel good, nothing left to cheer me up in my time of need apart from her, I needed her to survive, I depended on her to get me through the days, I couldn't live without her, and even the simplest of things would freak me out and make me worry that something was wrong, I became so paranoid at times and I couldn't stop myself, I would keep asking what was wrong, and it would MAKE something wrong, the fact that I always think there is something wrong...
But there was something wrong...my own dependency on her was too much, it pushed her away, and now she's gone...
"I need a "break" from relationships" she says...
"I need a break from YOU" she means....
Perfect valentines day gift, huh?
I wish it could be different, I wish I knew and I could have looked for something else to depend on, then maybe we would still be together...maybe...
But why would I need someone else to depend on if she was always going to be there? I didn't think it would ever end, I thought the love between us would be unbreakable, but it was that same love that broke us in the end...
She didn't tell me because she didn't want to upset me, because she didn't want me doing anything stupid, but she also says that we will get back together, but how do I know she's not just saying that to keep me from hurting myself? Truth be told, I dont....and to be honest, I don't think she means it. First she said "I'm sorry for ending us" then she said "maybe we'll get back together some time" then she said "we WILL get back together"....if she's so certain, why split up in the first place, why not just agree to not talk to each other for a while, why split up at all...why not give me a chance to find something else I can depend on...
Why did I push her away so much....how do I get her back...
So many questions, but like wishes, they're never really answered, are they?
I have one final wish to make.......the same wish I made 6 or so months ago...but I don't think anyone's gonna make it happen again.
I'm back to "normal" I suppose...back to being alone.....back to where I don't want to be...back to square one, back to wishing hard for the impossible again....
I wish I wish I wish.....
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