Uncomfortably numb...

So yeah...I'm definitely going now.
26 days.
When it was like..35, it seemed like a long time away. It feels like only yesterday it was 35. 26.
I'd like to be able to say that I'm looking forward to it, that I'm going to make lots of new friends and have a really good time. But..that's not going to happen if things don't change.
I still can't trust anyone.
I don't need to trust anyone, but there's one person I wish I could trust..one person I wish would never lie to me or anything, the one person who I'll have to rely on for a while at the very least. But still...how can I trust that person after everything? How can I trust that person if I can't trust anyone? Let alone someone that's shattered whatever trust I had in them before...
If I cannot trust people, even good friends, how am I supposed to make more friends? How can I expect anything to change at all if I don't even want to leave my room?
I didn't even go out to celebrate getting exam results. Everyone else did. I felt sick.
I get the feeling that it was a phantom illness, brought on because I just didn't want to go...
I'm worried that University will be no different. I'll go out to the lectures, go out to work, but after I'll just shut myself in my room like always.
I mean I don't do anything...I just sit here...bored...numb....but it's better than being out there....
I don't know what I want any more.
It's easy for people to assume that I'll make friends, that I'll enjoy myself, but everything about student life involves socialising, drinking, stuff that I don't do...any more....
I never did drink.
What is wrong with me? All I can think of when I think of University is the added problems I'll have. It makes no difference to me where I'll be, heck I haven't gotten excited about it once, but it bothers me because of what I'll have to face. Financial worries, emotional worries....her....it's all just bad.
I can't really think of anything good that will come of it. And what if it is a disaster? What have I got to come home to? There's nobody waiting for me, only a few friends who barely even notice I'm around and I can't blame them either, I'm not exactly the life of the party.
This time last year I was so happy, I can't describe it. It was only like a week before the festival, before Leeds...before...it...
Still, it haunts me. I don't know if it was the best time of my life or the worst, but since then nothing has been good...it's all...gone bad...
From having problems holding on to Kay, to getting grief in school, to finding out that Kay was with some other guy, it just got worse and worse. And I've descended from there...I've shut out a lot of my friends and most of the outside world. Hell, I only talk to like 3 different people on MSN and 2 of them usually message me first.
I need meaning in my life...I need something good to happen, I can't go on like this...