Well, I just finished watching "I am Legend". As you may have noticed, it's 6am here. I started watching the film at about 2am. It's taken me 4 hours to watch this film because it's so damn boring, I kept getting distracted by other things, like browsing websites, chatting on MSN, selecting a lot of text with ctrl+a and deselecting it repeatedly, you get the idea.
So if you haven't figured it out yet, the film isn't very exciting.
The premise of the story is basically that someone developed a cure for cancer that somehow mutated into some big nasty virus that wipes out the world's population, bar a few lucky people who happen to be immune (i.e. Will Smith) and he's the only survivor. The rest of the living humans go a bit 28-days-later and become zombies that eat human flesh, except they also burn under UV light. So they're basically a mixture of Zombies and Vampires, with none of their strengths and all of their weaknesses. Lovely.
Anyway, the premise isn't actually all that bad and there's plenty of scope for deep and meaningful plot devices there, if you've read the book or seen the last film based on it,
The Omega Man, you'll know what I mean.
The film basically consists of two parts -
Part A:
Nothing happens. Really. You're introduced to our main character and we spend the first half of the film watching him fannying around not doing very much. I've yet to decide which was the most exciting bit, the part where he played golf, or the part where he went to rent a DVD (No, really).
Perhaps this was inevitable, after all he's the only person in the city at this point and there's not really a lot you can do with that, plus it's more or less what happens in the first part of the book it's based on.
Speaking of, I should point out that this is another typical Will-smith-doing-a-remake-of-a-previous-book-and-or-film affair in that it completely ignores the very thing it's based on, except for a few minor things, like the title for example.
Anyway, as I said, not much really happens up until the half way point when will finds a mannequin outside that really shouldn't be there.
At this point, he goes nuts and shoots at it, then shoots all around himself for good measure, just to get the "I've got a little crazy" point across. Then, he walks up to the mannequin and trips a trap that causes him to get stuck upside down and (somehow) unconscious.
And there he remains until he wakes up at the brink of nightfall, oh noes.
I'd like to take a little time to point out that the reason for the mannequin being there, or who set the trap, is never actually explained. Ever. Those of you who are a little savvy will probably assume that it was the zombie-vampire humans that set it and if this were the book, you'd probably be right. But it's not the book, it's a dumbed-down remake for thicko Americans. Anyway, this causes his one and only companion, a dog, to get infected, causing him to get a bit annoyed, which leads on to part B.
Part B:
Aka - "the entire film".
This is actually where the film really begins, since worthwhile shit actually happens. We begin with Will smith going on a joyride to kill some vampire-zombies for killing his best friend. He mows a bunch of them down, gets really angry and then the dumb fuck rolls his jeep, trapping himself inside.
He's about to get eaten when a big bright light shines and scares the monsters off. Would you believe it, it's another survivor! Someone just HAPPENS to be in the right place at the right time. And somehow, manage to rescue him. And it turns out to be a woman. With a kid.
What?
Let me get this straight, EVERYONE is dead, Will Smith barely survives yet a woman and a kid manage to rescue HIS bony black arse IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT?
They make a half-assed attempt at explaining where she came from, but no explanation is made as to how she escaped being eaten by the big scary zampires.
And then, 20mins before the end of the film, just in case you're hoping that there might be some good plot-twist at the end that might actually make it worth watching, she ruins it for every non-american retard out there by uttering these three words:
"God Told Me"That's right, folks! This is yet another attempt by some retard to big up God and and put the fear of science in everyone. Science caused this whole big mess, the search for a cure for cancer caused the human race to nearly go extinct, but one puny white woman survives and she just happens to believe in God? Fuck me, I think I'm a believer now! Oh wait, I'm not, go fuck yourself.
Anyway, will smith gives us a glimmer of hope by shouting at her and claiming God doesn't exist, but 10mins later he caves in and hands her a sample of blood that has a cure in it, saying "I think this is why you're here". So by the end of the film, the only two adults we've met believe in God and believe he is guiding them to help fix the mess that science caused.
And the kid? What about the kid? I don't actually remember him saying a single word in the whole film and he reason for being there still perplexes me. He doesn't do anything at all and may as well not be there.
But back to the plot. In the book and original
Charlton Heston film, the main protagonist pretty much goes around killing vombies for shits and giggles. But rather than just being horrible monsters, they actually form a genuine mentality and become a pack, with fully sentient thought. They even capture the main protagonist and put him on trial for killing so many of them. The idea is that the human is feared, he comes out during the day when they're sleeping and butchers them, HE'S the legend in much the same way that Vampires are legends to us. It's a genius plot twist and that's why the book is called "I am Legend".
But not the film. He's a legend because he created a cure for the disease. That's it. No depth, nothing to make you think, just...cure...you know, the thing that's been done in just about ever other film about a virulent disease.
No doubt anything else would be too much for your average retarded American to cope with, so they stuck with the safe bet and now I'm left wondering why they bothered to use the title of the book at all.
So in short, here's a bunch of reasons as to why "I am Legend" is shite:
1) It pisses all over the original book (ala I, Robot).
2) It bores the fuck out of you for half of it.
3) It's another excuse for Will Smith to get his shirt off and flex his muscles.
4) Of the 4 "main characters", one of them is a dog and the other is a kid that never speaks and has no reason being there.
5) Plot-holes galore.
6) It's another vehicle to cram Christianity down your throat and make you think Science is Evil.
And by far the most important reason of all -
7) Because I fucking say so.
