I am Kushan's demoralised inner child.

I hate making entries like this. The only reason I'm making it is because I've been so frustrated and felt so shitty for so long, I'm at a loss as to what to do and just want to tell someone about it, I don't care who it is, I just want someone to listen.
But of course, it's not fair to just dive on someone and dump on them, so at least here I can put it all behind a nice LJ cut and anyone that doesn't care can just ignore it.

So for the past few months of my life, I've been struggling with various things. Mostly money related things. At the beginning of the summer, I was struggling trying to find a place to live (went out and viewed a house, landlord was ok with everything and then....they just didn't call me back...so 3 days before I got kicked out of marybone, I had to find somewhere else). I had to find a way to raise nearly £500 just to pay the deposit and rent for it. In the end, an extended overdraft saved my arse there. Next came trouble in the form of a Job, or rather the lack thereof. And by Job, I mean Jobs. You see, I need a placement for my final year.
As I've mentioned before, telco games took their sweet fucking time getting back to me each time. A 3 day wait turned into a 2 month wait just to find out if I got the job or not. Luckily, I did, but unfortunately they told me at the last minute that I wasn't able to start until September. It was meant to be July, which would have meant that I would have just been able to pay the rent.
So I had to hunt for another job, just a temporary one for the summer. Have you any idea how difficult it is finding a job at ALL in Liverpool for the summer? Let alone one that only wants you for 2 months.
I applied to over 30 places in total and only got about 5 or 6 replies. One company actually brought me in for an interview, sent me off for (unpaid) training and then offered me a place, going around door to door selling people gas. I could have done it, all you need is confidence, but that night something else hit me: Nicci dumped me. 2 days after I wrote that post about how good things were between me and her. 2 days.
That's why it's taken me so long to post about it, I felt like such a fool. For once in my life I thought I had really found someone I felt close to, someone that "got" me, someone that I could really spend a lot of time with without wanting to kill them. And she obviously thought differently.
It killed my confidence, it sent me down a spiral of depression that I had not felt in some years. I had to turn down the door to door job offer, I could not do it. I also didn't want to repeat what I had to do on the training day, which was pressure an 85 year old FOR OVER AN HOUR into something she didn't want. All perfectly legally, too. I figured at the time I'd just not pray on old people and get sales elsewhere, but after feeling like such an idiot I just couldn't go through with it.
Nicci and I remained friends for about another month. In this month, I had little to no success in finding another job until I got pulled one day. It was another similar sort of job, but this one was different - it was for charity. Charity? But paid?

It seemed odd to me, but it was for real. All I had to do was get people to sign up to willingly donate to a charity for homeless children, a noble cause if ever there was one. And I got paid for it. 2 birds with one stone, I'd be getting myself out of debt, paying the rent and helping people at the same time. As much as a bastard as I claim to be, I do like helping people, I do my best to help people all around me and my friends know it.

And my god...it's a nightmare. You spend all day talking to complete strangers, which is fine, except that most of these people are absolute dicks. Some people are good and sign up to give £2 a week to a good cause. But who are these people? If I gave you the choice between a struggling single parent mum and a rich, well-off family with 3 cars, 2 caravans and an absolutely fucking HUGE house, who do you think would sign up first?
I'd like to think it was the rich person, the person that could drop a £20 note and not be bothered about it because it's pocket change to them.
But it's not. Rich people just do not give a fuck. As soon as you mention that you're from a charity, before you've even told them what it is, they say "I'm not interested" and shut the door. Now of course that's a generalisation and not EVERYONE is like that, or at least not every rich person, but the vast majority of them are.
It's the single mother, it's the broken families, the counsel housed poor underclass, the "socially deprived" as one rich snobby bitch referred to them as, THEY'RE the ones that listen, they're the ones that give as much as they can because they know how shit some people have it.

But some people aren't even just careless, some are just mean. Today, I knocked a door and someone answered, a man wearing a nice shirt, not exactly well off, but certainly not poor by a long shot. This is how it went:
"Hello, sorry to bother you. My name is Steve and I'm from the child-"
"Sorry, not interested"
"you're not interested? Not interested that there's children on the streets right now, getting raped, molested and even murdered?"
"yeah, I'm just that cold-hearted"
And then he slammed the door in my face.

This is just one typical example of the people I have to deal with on a daily basis, a typical example of what I'd call scum. And when you walk down a street knocking doors and get 2 or 3 of these people, you just want to be able to reach out to them, slap them and show them how shitty some of us have it.
In my pocket I have just over £10. That's all I own in the world, money wise right now. When I get paid I'll be better off, but until then this is all I own. And I had to borrow that from Malachy, too. So imagine me standing at a door to a nice, big house with a BMW outside, asking someone if they could spare just £2 a week and they tell me they can't. They tell me they can't spare 26p a day, yet they're obviously making 2 or 3 times what I'm likely to make in a year, even after I finish uni. Yeah right.

But I have learned something good in this job. On Wednesday morning, I felt so miserable. Probably the most miserable I'd felt in a long, long time. Nicci had come back from her holiday the night before. I only got to speak to her for like half an hour and in that time, she was just cold and mean. Probably not deliberately, she's always like that when she's had a few drinks, but it still put me down. And that afternoon on the train it really got to me. Thoughts ran through my head over and over, how crappy I felt, why I felt that way, why I probably deserved to feel that way and so on. I kept telling myself that I need to cheer up, I need to get into a positive mindset or I'll do badly that day. But I gave up. There, on the train, in the silence of my own mind, I just gave up. I've had to pick myself up again and again all summer long, first with Nicci's help, then without after she dumped me. And then, I'd had enough. Finally, a thought came to my head - "I just wish I was happy...".

And what do you know, that wish came true. Later that day, just a couple of hours after, I got the first sign up of the day. Then I got another. And another. And another. 4 sign ups, my best record ever on this job (I've only been here a week). I wished for happiness and for that ONE day, I really was happy. I achieved something, I stood out and helped a lot of people along the way.

But that's where it ended. Thursday, even though I was really psyched up and pitched my best, I got 0. Today, I also got 0 and dealt with some of the harshest, most callous people I've ever met. It's so frustrating, I'm at a loss as to how so many people could be so spiteful, so mean. And I'm feeling like shit again because of it.

I think I want to make another wish, but I don't know what is more important - wishing that I was happy again, or wishing that these people would change their ways and actually care about someone that wasn't just their immediate family. A bg part of me wants to wake the world up, shake them and say "just once in your life, do something to make a complete stranger, a young child, someone you don't know...happy...just once", but another part of me yearns to be happy myself. Sometimes I feel that these people, these mean, cheap people are happy because they don't care about anyone else, sometimes I feel that maybe I should just care about myself if I want to be happy. And that scares me.
It's like my soul has been chipped away by bad people, that if much more of it is lost then I'll just become one of them and only care about myself. But then again, maybe I deserve it for caring at all?

I want to wish for more happiness, but I don't want to wish for it in case I'm being selfish by not thinking of someone who has got it worse off than me.

Man...

My piss is awesome.

I am Kushan's neglected Livejournal.

You know, every time I go to type Livejournal, I always end up typing Liverjournal. Imagine that, a journal about someone's Liver.
I suppose it'd make a lot of sense, the liver of an alcoholic would be an emo and constantly want to just give up and every now and then just trying to pack it all in to spite the body around it.

But I digress. I feel the need to rant, but I've got a lot to rant about so I'm not really sure if I can be bothered at all. Oh what the hell, why not!

I just watched Evan Almighty, the sequel to the Jim Carey film, Bruce almighty.
I'd seen Bruce almighty years ago and was distinctly not impressed. I'm not a big Jim Carey fan anyway and this was probably the worst film of his I'd ever seen, and that includes Batman forever. It has a really good concept, God gives the guy all of his powers and he dicks about with them. Really good concept, plenty of scope...except instead of being interesting, it just consists of him being a knob and not actually doing very much, plus a bunch of religious Christian bullshit is thrown in for good measure.

Evan Almighty sort of took that formula, except they didn't bother with an interesting concept (God wants Evan to build an Ark...omg amazing...), doubled on the religious bullshit, then sprinkled some extra bullshit on top for good measure.
Really there's about 2 parts to the film, part 1 is God convincing Evan to build the Ark, part 2 is him actually building it. Once part 1 is over (about 1/3 of the way into the film), all of the fun and attempts at humour end. The fun parts are where random animals start following him around. And that's the entirety of the jokes in the film, they actually haven't got another single good gag in the whole thing, so they just reuse the animal gag over and over and over. By half way through the film, they even stop with that and just keep hammering you with more religious shite.

It's a fairly typical plot for Christians - God wants Evan to build Ark, Even eventually gives in and starts building it and everyone around him ridicules him for it, not a single person supports him (other than his loving, christian family, that is). Crowds gather, people mock him more and refer to God as "your God", because all Christians believe that non-Christians worship a different God. Oh but of course, a big flood DOES appear and everyone goes all red in the face for being wrong, while the good God-worshiping people were right the whole time!
Now I'm not religious at all, I don't believe in God and thanks to the enlightening facts I've learned in my new Job, I find it very hard to believe that there's anyone up there who gives a flying fuck about anyone down here, so I don't really like having this kind of shit forced down my throat. The whole point of the film is to try and give across one simple message, you can change the world with an Act of Random Kindness (They really had to think long and fucking hard on that one, eh?), which isn't really a bad message or anything, but they probably pissed more people off by taking the "haha, God is always right and if you Mock us, he'll make a fool out of you" approach that so many up-their-own-arses Christian fuckwits take. You think you're on the "winning team", you think people like me will end up with egg on our faces when we find out how wrong we have been all along, we get it already, so just shut the fuck up already and laugh when we actually ARE proved wrong, it's old, nobody cares, nobody thinks you're smart and it just makes you look like a dick, but then again you probably ARE a dick.

Now I can be a self-obsessed cock, myself. Just the other day, I went to the toilet and thought to myself "you know, my piss looks pretty good...for piss, at least", but it doesn't mean I go around saying to people "hey my piss is better than your piss, next time you go to the toilet, just think, your piss is horrible and nasty looking, it's all dark and diseased looking, whereas mine is a nice light shade of yellow, like home made lemonade, probably tastes just as good as well". That's how these Christian cocks come across, they love the smell of their own piss and want to rub everyone's nose in it so we get the full fragrance.

Cocks.

Anyway, what I'm trying to say is, don't watch Evan Almighty, it's full of Christian piss.

Are you feeling good?

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