This is a public service announcement. It's officially New Year's Eve in the UK and that means it's officially New Year's Eve worldwide (GMT being the centre of the planet and all that), so I feel it's prudent to inform people that 2008 will officially be one second longer than usual.
Before you scream "Nooo, Kushan! You've been at the Domestos Bleach again, haven't you?", have a quick glance at this article on WikiWikiWikiPediaWikiYoWikiWikiWaaWaa.
For those of you who can't be arsed reading the source of all human knowledge, all you need to know is that 2008 needs to be 1 second longer in order to keep time closely syncronised with the earth's orbit. 1 second after 23:59:59 isn't actually 2009, it's officially 23:59:60. One second after that, you can start celebrating the new year (legitimately) all you like, but if you shout "Happy New Year!" at 23:59:60, you're officially silly.
So, when the countdown starts, remember, it does not go...
3-2-1-HappyNewYearMotherFuckers!
but rather, it goes...
3-2-1-0-HappyNewYearMotherFuckers!
You've now been informed, so don't make a fool out of yourself this year, save it for next year. Which is 1 second further away than you probably realised.
Tuesday, 30 December 2008
Wednesday, 24 December 2008
Guess what?!
The experiment was a roaring success! Or an absolute failure, I'm not entirely sure which.
You'll like this.
Ok, so before I continue I'd like to point out that I haven't actually said more than two words to BQFH since I got back. In fact, last year I didn't speak to her at all, so effectively I've not spoken to her for a solid 2 years.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. As is traditional, we tend to get a small group of family and maybe the odd friend and get together for a drink and some food, you know, just a nice little way to bring on Christmas. Typical fare.
So, my dad basically spent the whole day preparing lots of buffet-style food. You know, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, etc.
He was so busy, in fact, that I had to go and do some of his last-minute Christmas shopping for him. Shopping which included expensive chocolates and drinks for BQFH. Wanting to be the good son, I went and did this, despite the fact that shopping on Christmas Eve is not fun.
Anyhoo, fast forward to later on that night. Everything's prepared and ready and we make our way down to BQFH's house. It's approximately 20:45 when we arrive.
About 15mins later, the food has been heated and it's time to eat, score! Note that at this point, all I've said to pretty much anyone is "Hello".
Everyone moves to get some food, I sort of hang back because the kitchen isn't terribly large and let everyone get out of the way. It's finally my turn and I pick up a small side-plate to put some food on.
Now, have you ever picked up a plate, or a fork, or a cup or whatever only to find that it's not completely clean? It's not the owner being dirty, it's just a spot someone's missed when cleaning it or whatever. No big deal, right? Well the only plate left was a tiny bit dirty, so I gave it a quick rinse and a wipe.
Now I'm left with a slightly damp plate so I figure I'd best wipe it dry with a cloth. I can't see any and by this point, the only person left in the kitchen is the lady herself. I ask her where she keeps her towels. "Why?" comes the response. "Oh the plate was a wee bit dirty, so I gave it a clean and now I just need to dry it", I responds.
This is what sets her off. I shit you not, this tiny statement is what set her off on a complete screaming rampage. She pulls the plate from my hand, shouting "ACK! It's not dirty, I cleaned that! My house is not dirty!" before slamming it on the counter. She storms off, shouting and screaming about how I'm doing everything I can to ruin her Christmas and so on and so forth.
My dad came out and looked at me "...what did you say to her?" and I respond with "...I asked her for a tea-towell...", at which point she comes back shouting about how I siad her whole house was dirty and filthy.
My dad ran after her as she went upstairs to try and figure out what happened. Shortly after they came down, he was shouting at her about how she was blowing it way out of proportion (yey dad for sticking up for me! =D) and she literally told us all to get out.
So we did. We all stormed out and left her there. On Christmas Eve.
We were back home by 21:15. Even my dad said that she must have been waiting for me to say something so she could have a go at me. I think that's actually a new record for her, I couldn't have been there more than 20mins before she went off. Oh and she claims that she didn't do a single thing wrong at my brother's wedding. What a bitch.
Oh...and Merry Christmas, everyone.
You'll like this.
Ok, so before I continue I'd like to point out that I haven't actually said more than two words to BQFH since I got back. In fact, last year I didn't speak to her at all, so effectively I've not spoken to her for a solid 2 years.
Tonight is Christmas Eve. As is traditional, we tend to get a small group of family and maybe the odd friend and get together for a drink and some food, you know, just a nice little way to bring on Christmas. Typical fare.
So, my dad basically spent the whole day preparing lots of buffet-style food. You know, cocktail sausages, sausage rolls, etc.
He was so busy, in fact, that I had to go and do some of his last-minute Christmas shopping for him. Shopping which included expensive chocolates and drinks for BQFH. Wanting to be the good son, I went and did this, despite the fact that shopping on Christmas Eve is not fun.
Anyhoo, fast forward to later on that night. Everything's prepared and ready and we make our way down to BQFH's house. It's approximately 20:45 when we arrive.
About 15mins later, the food has been heated and it's time to eat, score! Note that at this point, all I've said to pretty much anyone is "Hello".
Everyone moves to get some food, I sort of hang back because the kitchen isn't terribly large and let everyone get out of the way. It's finally my turn and I pick up a small side-plate to put some food on.
Now, have you ever picked up a plate, or a fork, or a cup or whatever only to find that it's not completely clean? It's not the owner being dirty, it's just a spot someone's missed when cleaning it or whatever. No big deal, right? Well the only plate left was a tiny bit dirty, so I gave it a quick rinse and a wipe.
Now I'm left with a slightly damp plate so I figure I'd best wipe it dry with a cloth. I can't see any and by this point, the only person left in the kitchen is the lady herself. I ask her where she keeps her towels. "Why?" comes the response. "Oh the plate was a wee bit dirty, so I gave it a clean and now I just need to dry it", I responds.
This is what sets her off. I shit you not, this tiny statement is what set her off on a complete screaming rampage. She pulls the plate from my hand, shouting "ACK! It's not dirty, I cleaned that! My house is not dirty!" before slamming it on the counter. She storms off, shouting and screaming about how I'm doing everything I can to ruin her Christmas and so on and so forth.
My dad came out and looked at me "...what did you say to her?" and I respond with "...I asked her for a tea-towell...", at which point she comes back shouting about how I siad her whole house was dirty and filthy.
My dad ran after her as she went upstairs to try and figure out what happened. Shortly after they came down, he was shouting at her about how she was blowing it way out of proportion (yey dad for sticking up for me! =D) and she literally told us all to get out.
So we did. We all stormed out and left her there. On Christmas Eve.
We were back home by 21:15. Even my dad said that she must have been waiting for me to say something so she could have a go at me. I think that's actually a new record for her, I couldn't have been there more than 20mins before she went off. Oh and she claims that she didn't do a single thing wrong at my brother's wedding. What a bitch.
Oh...and Merry Christmas, everyone.
Sunday, 21 December 2008
A proper Update
For those that haven't figured it out, I'm back in Ireland again for chrsitmas. Last year I stayed with my brother so this year I figured I'd see my Dad since I'm sure he misses his sons.
As usual the place is cold and I'm perpetually bored, but at least I get to see my cat and my dad again.
Of course, as you may have guessed, BQFH is up to her old tricks again. It's really annoying, I've not even seen her since I got back and already she's saying shite about me. In a way, I'm pissed off, but I'm also quite happy knowing that I STILL get under her skin after all this time - and without me even being there.
However, this year I'm going to perform a little experiment. My dad and I just went shopping for the christmas meal. You know the drill, turkey, ham, gravy, etc., basically the most expensive meal of the year. Well this year I decided to pay for it, all £50 of it. I can just about afford it and it'll be worth it to see BQFH struggle for a reason to complain about me.
I'm fully confident that she'll find said reason and have a moan and at this point, I'll be more than prepared to sacrafice the turkey by shoving it up her moany old arse.
I'm going to enjoy this Christmas one way or another.
As usual the place is cold and I'm perpetually bored, but at least I get to see my cat and my dad again.
Of course, as you may have guessed, BQFH is up to her old tricks again. It's really annoying, I've not even seen her since I got back and already she's saying shite about me. In a way, I'm pissed off, but I'm also quite happy knowing that I STILL get under her skin after all this time - and without me even being there.
However, this year I'm going to perform a little experiment. My dad and I just went shopping for the christmas meal. You know the drill, turkey, ham, gravy, etc., basically the most expensive meal of the year. Well this year I decided to pay for it, all £50 of it. I can just about afford it and it'll be worth it to see BQFH struggle for a reason to complain about me.
I'm fully confident that she'll find said reason and have a moan and at this point, I'll be more than prepared to sacrafice the turkey by shoving it up her moany old arse.
I'm going to enjoy this Christmas one way or another.
Saturday, 20 December 2008
I have to say....
I'm more than a little disappointed in a certain someone. I'm sure she knows who she is.
Merry Christmas indeed...
(Deliberately enigmatic so that the guilty don't get more embarrassed than they've already made themselves)
On another note, BQFH (BitchQueenFromHell, aka, my Dad's girlfriend, for the uninformed) apparently told someone that I've ruined every Christmas. Go fuck yourself, you miserable old cunt.
Merry Christmas indeed...
(Deliberately enigmatic so that the guilty don't get more embarrassed than they've already made themselves)
On another note, BQFH (BitchQueenFromHell, aka, my Dad's girlfriend, for the uninformed) apparently told someone that I've ruined every Christmas. Go fuck yourself, you miserable old cunt.
Wednesday, 17 December 2008
For the Cause!
http://www.ultimaterickroll.com/
Even I went and bought the song and I never buy music! So those of you from the UK with 80p to spare, go spend it on a worthy cause!
The Ultimate Rick Roll is a plan devised by the owner of a facebook group to get RICK ASTLEY to the Christmas No.1 spot this year!
HOW?
Join us all in pledging to purchase 'Never Gonna Give You Up' from iTunes between DECEMBER 15-20th... even if you already own it.
If enough of us do this, there's a real fighting chance we could actually pull this off!
Even I went and bought the song and I never buy music! So those of you from the UK with 80p to spare, go spend it on a worthy cause!
Tuesday, 9 December 2008
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